Dearest Sissy,

I'm writing you this letter as there are some important things I need to get off f my chest and I know you'd truly understand me and my rambling. I want to thank you for reading this in advance and I want you to know your opinion always truly matters to me. It's strange how things go in life, don't you agree? Who would have thought that year after my two relationships with men I'd be dating a woman instead? I sure as hell didn't. I never expected to fall for a woman yet Keye was able to win me over. I know there are jokes about it. I know the tabloids have written about me deciding to "go straight" as they call it but like I said, I never planned this to happen.

I'm not going to lie. I've loved both Dai and Drew a whole lot. You know this because you were the first I told how I felt about Dai. You were the one who told me to just kiss him and find out if he felt the same and for a while he did. The tabloids said I never cared about either of them but you know that wasn't true. If it were I would have never proposed to either of them. The fact I did that proved my love for them but the fact the tabloids dared to say I'd probably be stupid enough to ask Keye to marry me sometime soon is ridiculous. First of, asking someone you love to marry you is not a stupid action. It's something you have to think through and I know that with Drew I didn't do that. I should have listened to you when you warned me. I should have listened when you told me to not go through with it as I hadn't thought things through but you know just as well that you could have talked to a wall because I wasn't listening anyway. I'm "stubborn like a mule" as you and mom always say. I was scared to lose him and thought that it would keep him with me. Logically it didn't but I didn't listen to your warnings. Thank you for having been there for me when I needed you. Thank you for helping me get through the period after and making me see that I had to keep going and that one day I'd find someone who would truly love me.

Asking Drew to marry me was a huge mistake on my part. I don't regret doing it but I do regret not thinking it over. It's why I'm not going to ask Keye to marry me any time soon. Not because I don't love her, I love her with all my heart, but because I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons. I guess with all the mistakes I made I finally learned to listen to my Sissy when she makes sense. Do know that on my wedding day, when it happens, I want you to be my best woman because I need you there with me.

There is some important news I'm sure you already know though but Keye and I are trying to become parents. I know people say that before you start on babies it's best to be married and that "making babies" is something you have to be certain about it but trust me I thought this over a whole lot more then I thought over my former decision to propose to Drew. Keye and I talked many times about it. We made sure we're both truly committed to this and want to really do this. I want to be a father. I never expected myself to say those words but I know they are true. I want my children to be loved like we were when we were little. I want to give them that same feeling of stability we both had when we were little. I want to be the kind of dad for my kids as our dad was for us. He has always been a huge inspiration for me and if I can be that for my own child as well I know I've done a good job as a father.

She's not yet pregnant, for as far as I know at least ;), but when my child gets born I'd be honoured if you'd be their godmother. I trust you more then I've ever trust anyone. You're my Sissy and I know that if anything would ever happen to me and Keye that you would do everything possible to keep my child safe and secure and would love them just as much as I would.

I'm glad you and I both found someone who loves us and I really hope you and Will will be happy for many years to come. You deserve happiness and it seems like he adores you and loves you just the way you deserve to be loved. Know that if he ever hurts you in anyway you just have to call me and I'll kick his ass.

I love you, Sissy. Don't ever forget that.
Sissy.

Date:	2008-11-11 11:20
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	thoughtful

I guess it's time for a little self-reflection on my part. I've not been one to write much or much of significance over the past few years but there have been times I have had to take a long hard look at myself. During my time in rehab that happened a lot. I'm not going to lie those 70 days were hell in my opinion and when my friends said I needed rehab I said no, no, no.

Sorry had to go a little Amy on there. Fellow Brit only unlike her I was smart and eventually did say "alright I'll go." Not that I wanted. I seriously didn't think I had a problem but I knew that I needed to find a different way of dealing with my problems then just getting piss drunk. Sure it was fun but there's a line between social drinking and drinking to forget and I crossed that line a long time ago. I guess the first time was when Dai left. I was quite broken but I still had to do my promo work, still had to perform still had to look for a job so life wouldn't be too shitty. Then I started working at clubs as a DJ and it was fun but yeah... free drinks all night long weren't a good idea. I never drank too much so I'd forget lyrics or things like that or ended up slurring my songs. I made sure of that. I didn't get drunk till afterwards.

When I relocated to LA and got a DJ job here things started to look up. I was at a new place, new start I really thought things could go better and they did. I met Drew, fell in love, started drinking less, opened up, asked him to marry me and 3 months later he jetted off the face of the planet never to be heard from again and once more I went on a drinking binge. Did I know what I was doing was stupid? Yeah. Did I care? No. Not even when I ended up in the hospital did I care. I went home to see my parents as dad wanted to talk to me and he told me he was going to leave mom and that they were going to get a divorce. Now that was a real slap in the face. My parents, of whom I thought to have the perfect marriage as everything was so good and I had always been a happy kid, the place I thought that was never going to change and where I'd go by in the future to find my dad reading his newspaper while my mom would be knitting in her rocking chair was for sale and they had both decided to get a flat. I bought the home. Not a thing changed and when I have to be in London it's where I'll be staying. I couldn't bear to see anybody live in that house except for my parents.

Still their divorce, the fact Drew left me and the feeling I as all alone and not wanted by anyone got me on another drinking binge. Not until I got pissdrunk with Amy and got that accident did I realise I couldn't go on this way. I wasn't only letting myself down I was letting everyone around me down as well. I was letting my parents down but most of all I was letting my sister down. The one girl who had always believed in me now had a drunken imbecile for a brother instead of the rock she needed to lean on. I was lucky there was someone around to be that rock for her while I was in rehab though.

The night of my accident though I met a woman. Amy was busy getting drunk and when I looked around the bar I saw someone leaned over it. All I could see though was this really nice round butt and I remember grabbing it and then getting slapped in the face. She was right for doing so. I deserved that slap and I did apologize to Keye afterward. We ended up talking and I found out that, besides that nice round butt, she's a very beautiful woman inside and out. I enjoyed talking to her but most of all I enjoyed the snog we had later that evening. It was strange, as I had never kissed a girl before. It was different and new but I liked it. Most of all I wanted to do it more often and that just surprised me.

Never in my life had I expected to end up liking a girl. I never had expected to be attracted to a woman yet here I am smiling when I just think of how she smiles and how beautiful she is. She knows I still need to get used to the idea but she's giving me time and she's patient and just that alone is making me fall more for her every day. I never expected to end up this lucky to get someone like her in my life yet here I am. My life is looking up again I just hope I'm not the only one in this family who can say that. I'll be checking on my sister sometime soon.

Date:	2008-07-02 18:04
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	crappy

You know how there are times in your life you have no idea where you are and are actually wondering what road you should take? It's like you're on a road and you don't know whether to go left or right or just straight ahead. I had that now. I have 3 options at the moment and I have no idea which to take. It's strange because most of the time I don't hesitate. I do what at that moment in time seems like the best thing to do. The thing is that this time I can't go straight ahead, left or right. I'm stuck and it's where I chose to be.

I guess I should elaborate more. I'm in rehab. After all the crap that happened in the past months, Dai leaving me, the court case about my music, my parents getting divorced, I started drinking again. Terribly even. I was drunk almost every night and I think I at least either pissed or puked against every building in London. A few weeks ago, when I found out we won our court case and my name was still good as well as the memories I left with my old band I went out to party. While partying I met one of Britain's most famous persons, also known as miss Amy Winehouse, and we got shitfaced together. Not thinking straight I left the bar, jaywalked on the middle of a busy road and got hit by a car.

Three days later, or so I was told, I woke up in a hospital. Knowing I couldn't go on like this I asked if I could get into rehab and a spot was arranged for me. I'm trying to deal with things but it's not easy. I know I have inherited my alcoholism from my grandpa. He was a terrible drunk and it runs in the family. I just have it worse then my sister. Not that I'm calling her a drunk but I know she likes to drink as well. The only difference is that she knows when to stop and I don't. So yeah… I fucked up and I fucked up big. I dunno how much longer they want to keep me here but I don't have many ways to reach the outside world. I have been granted limited computer access and I get 15 minutes a day to call though I can also save it up.

Sissy, I'm going to call you Friday at 4pm. Please be home? If you don't pick up I'm in bad luck as I can only call one person and I'd really like to talk to you.

Date:	2008-03-06 16:59
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	Broken
Music:	Dai playing guitar

This entry is coming to you from merry old England only the reason why I'm here isn't so merry. I've been here for a week now dealing with 2 assholes who used to be my friends but took me, my old band mates and our management to court because we apparently forced them to sign a contract which said they'd get no royalties of the songs we wrote with the band. I've been busy with going to court for the past few days and seeing my ex sure as hell isn't fun either. Though he did say he was sorry for everything that happened. I'm over him that much I'm sure of but once again I have to say that I can give up my marriage plans.

I don't like admitting it. Hell I don't even like thinking of it but once again things just didn't work out as I hoped they would. So whoever said that nobody gave a shit about our marriage was right after all. Especially since my own fiancé decided she just wasn't ready for a commitment this big. Atleast not at the moment. She still loves me but in her opinion we're moving too fast. I guess it was all just too good to be true.

Once again I have a ring lying next to me. A ring I had given to show my love and once again that ring has been given back to me. I'm numb. I seriously can't feel anything at this moment. Everything is just going straight past me. I just sit here waiting to be told to go somewhere and I stare out of my window. I stare there or at the ceiling or at the wall or at the guitar I have lying here. It's strange what's going on but seeing Dai again is making me realise that perhaps the reason I moved fast with Keye was because I was scared to lose her like I lost Dai. Seems that it happened again though. Perhaps I should just get away from it all. I'm thinking of focusing on other things more.

I'm writing music again and I'm even busy making mixes for my next DJ set. I swear I'm lucky I still have a job. I hope I can get through this all though I know it will be hard on me. I've written a song about it even. Dai helped me out with that. We're friends again so that's one thing that makes me happy. I missed his friendship. I did make it obvious nothing was going to happen between us though. He hurt me before and it won't happen again. It's nice though to just talk to him again and make music together once more. He was one of the few who always believed in me and what I did so when I had something in mind he helped me out. I wrote it when it hit me that it really was over. When I realised I wouldn't wake up with Keye's arm wrapped around my waist anytime soon as she wants a brek from our relationship. At first I didn't want to admit to it. I didn't want to hear myself say "This is it. It's over." I didn't want to face the fact that once again I'm left alone. All I have left is my sister. Nobody else here truly gives a shit about who I am. I'm just that annoying DJ. I heard it more then once. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't just go back to England. I have more friends here; more people I know and love but I have a life in LA too. I love my job too much to just pack up and go and start over somewhere new again.

She was living at my place. All my stuff is there. As soon as this court case is over I'm going to get the rest of my stuff and get a hotel room somewhere. Just until I find another house though. I just can't stay there. I can't continue to live in a place where I have so many memories to better times that will end up hurting me because everything there will keep bringing me of those memories. No matter where I'll look something will remind me of Keye and I can't deal with that now. I'm broken enough already as it is. Sorry sister dearest. Seems like once again you got snubbed out of being my maid of honor.

There're times where I lie awake for hours and think. Think about nothing in specific. I just think. I don't know why I do it. It just happens, I guess. I end up with my hands folded beneath my head and then I stare at the ceiling while hundreds of thoughts race through my head.

I'm a worrier. Always have been and probably always will be. As my sister once said "You really need to look at the brighter side of life." Thing is... I don't think I'll ever be able to. I always see doom scenarios. I always expect the worst to happen. I never allow myself to think that nothing bad will happen to me. Even now, when I'm happier then I've been in a really long time, I still think "When? When will everything fuck up and go to shits?"

I shouldn't think like that. I know I shouldn't but yet again I can't help it. I have been disappointed so much in the past that all I end up doing lately is crying. I cry because I'm happy and feel like I don't deserve it. Which is weird because well the only shitty thing I did lately was be an ass to David. I don't know the guy but his comment on how gay sex was nasty just rubbed me the wrong way and after a day of getting gay slurs slung at me I was just sick off it all and took it out on him. This is not an apology though. Just an explanation of my behavior.

Right now I'm looking at Keye. Her head is on my lap while her arm is wrapped around me. I'm using my blackberry to type all this because I know if I don't write now I probably never will again. As I look at her I can't help but smile. I know I love her, which is strange because a few months ago I swore I would never love anybody again. I was so frigging broken that I never wanted to experience that again. I was going to be like every other asshole around. I wouldn't let anybody get close to me again after what Dai did to me. Thing is we can always say we won't let people get close but in the end we never know what the future might bring. Mine brought me Keye, happiness, friends and family. That all got close to me. It's all a big part of my heart now though I'm sure Keye owns the biggest part of it.

When these thought trains of me start to ride I always end up finding out it drove to the east. Because at the end I'm always smiling while I realize how lucky I am. I have many things in my life other people would love to have and it makes me happy. Which makes me wonder why in God's name I'm writing this when Keye is beside me. I'm going to snuggle up next to her. I can't wait to be in our own bed again though.